The Elephant in the Room...

So there is one VERY obvious difference between LA and the Midwest that I have avoided talking about for quite some time now. Not because it doesn't come into play in my life nearly everyday, but simply because acknowledging it, especially so publicly, makes it real. And having this become real puts me at risk for being uncomfortable and possibly feeling bad about myself. However, the point of this blog is to be open, honest, and push myself; embracing change and new experiences. So, in that spirit, it's time for me to admit that when I go almost anywhere in LA, I become the elephant in the room.  Like, literally the largest person in a sea of toothpicks.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not think I'm fat.  You may think I'm fat, and that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion. I am also not writing this for sympathy or reassurance.  I am not fishing for complements.  I'm trying to broach a topic that plagues FAR TOO MANY women today with some honesty and humor. Hopefully it will at least make someone smile; at best I would love to help someone feel like they aren't so alone when they are sitting on a bench outside of a store that makes seemingly child-sized clothes, waiting for their friends.  Also, for those of you that have never met me in person, I am 6 feet tall. End scene.

Ahem, back to my original point. Seriously.  I'm not kidding. Most days it feels like this:

 Buuuttt some days it feels like this:

I'm swear I'm not exaggerating either. I have never bumped into so many things with my ass when just trying to walk through a place; tables, clothes racks, bar stools, the occasional person in yoga class... it is pretty obvious that the businesses of this city are not planning for people of my stature and girth as their clientele.

I have never been a person who is terribly concerned about how others view me. I mean, obviously I want to be thought of as nice, considerate, smart, responsible, hardworking; but I have never really let stigma or perceived popularity influence what I wear or how I act. I'm outgoing and extroverted; blissfully unaware of the judgments a person 100 ft may be making about me. As far as how my body compares to others, it is what it is. I've always been tall and the world as I know it is seen from my vantage point. I'm used to being around people that are smaller then me, but I'm not used to feeling like an ogre. I'm not used to being demonized for it.

A few months ago, I went to visit my new primary care doctor, who immediately upon walking into the room, informed me that I was obese and needed to change my lifestyle.  Mind you, this is without investigating what my lifestyle consists of. I'll spare you the details of this appointment, but it ended with me getting a battery of tests to check for all sorts of diseases caused by obesity and a referral to a dietitian.   I can only pinpoint one time in high school where I have ever felt as disgusted by my body and myself as I did at that moment.  The worst part was, I am genuinely trying to be a healthy person.  Since moving here, I have been living a lifestyle that is WAY healthier then the one I was living in Chicago.  Let's compare:

Chicago Style Pizza                                                      California Style Pizza

 This is an easy call. As delicious as deep dish is, you would be insane to think it should be a regular part of your diet. The California pizza?  Well, that's pretty much a salad on top of a thin, crispy, probably gluten-free/vegan dough.

Chicago Drinking                                                           California Drinking

                

 Street festivals, holidays, football games, being snowed in... there was always a reason to celebrate and drink excessively in Chicago. The culture around alcohol here is more subdued. Maybe because people have to drive everywhere, maybe because I'm actually growing-up (gasp!), maybe because I don't know where any of the nightclubs are, maybe because of the price of drinks. Whatever the reason, this is a culture more focused on wine tasting or enjoying a few cocktails then finding a way to par-tay.

Chicago Exercise                                                   California Exercise

       

This one may seem like a wash at first, but what this category actually comes down to is the weather. Sure, a run on the Chicago Lakeshore is lovely... on the 20 days a year it's not too hot, cold, windy, snowy, hailing to get out there an do it. Sure, you can join a gym, but you have to make it over there in even the most adverse weather conditions. In LA, the weather is perfect nearly all of the time. And in Santa Monica, the ocean and mountains can become the focus of your livelihood and your activities. Beach boot camp, beach yoga, hiking, beach runs, beach bike rides, Muscle Beach; all of this is within your grasp almost every day of the year.

Chicago Lunches                                                                  California Lunches

               

This category is probably a bit more personal to me and may have more to do with the fact that I was an extremely busy grad student in Chicago. I was all about getting my food quick, fast and cheap.  Here, I have more time to cook and access to fresher ingredients year round.

Even though I have adapted to more of an "LA" lifestyle in terms of my health and fitness, my body is still not "LA".  And the view of body image is one lifestyle change that I cannot get on board with.

Chicago Idolized Woman                                        LA Idolized Woman

                

This may be a bit of an extreme comparison, but the truth is, this is Hollywood. A lot of people are either in "the industry" or trying to make it in "the industry".  The standard for beauty are much more severe and they permeate through out the city, industry or not.

While I can accept that I'm not a skinny girl, it was really weird to have my doctor practically attack me for it.  You would have thought I told her I ate nothing but Cheetos and soda and that my exercise consisted of a remote lift.  So it took me a long time to schedule an appointment with the dietitian.  I needed to get to a place where I was comfortable, confident, and ready to accept what suggesting she may have for my lifestyle.  I needed to figure out how to build up some armor but also be receptive to constructive criticism.  Yesterday was the day, and actually, I was pleasantly surprised.

My dietitian acknowledged that I am an individual with my own unique body.  I'm tall, I have a larger bone structure and a more muscular build. She asked about my goals and what I want; how I view myself and the type of women I want to be. She praised me for my exercise regimen and offered suggestions on how to tweak my diet to make it even more effective.  She lamented about the pressure the LA culture puts on people and their bodies. And she told me my biochem work-up was better than good, excellent in fact.  I'm doing something right.

So yeah, I may be the elephant in the room, but the way I look in comparison to others is not important; no matter where I live.  It's about how I feel and my overall level of fitness and health. It's about being my best self and working with the body I have been given, not trying to change into someone else idea of perfect.  I'm not going to magically feel like I blend in, and I will, for sure, continue to accidentally knock things over in public; but hopefully I can remember to be happy, smile, and enjoy every bite of my mac and cheese. Eaten in moderation, of course.